I am crying. Why? Because Addison was crying when I dropped her off this morning. And now I can’t stop crying. I need some chocolate and a diet coke. Wait. That mean I am an emotional eater. Okay. . . that is true. Just another of my issues that I need to work through. Back to the present issue at hand.
Today is the last day to “walk” kindergartners to class. Addison decided that she wanted me to drop her off at the door like all the other kids. “Are you sure?” I asked her. “I can walk you inside and then you can go to your classroom by yourself.” “Mooommmmm – I don’t want you to go in with me. I can do it all by myself.” Okay. so, she doesn’t want me to take her in. I just wanted to be able to watch and make for sure she made it to the right classroom. For myself, of course. . . so that when I do drop her off, she knows exactly where to go. So, that was the plan. We experienced a little more of the “I don’t like school. It’s no fun there” but that was overlooked when she realized that today for lunch was the breakfast bar AND that she gets to buy her lunch today AND that Ava Jane and I are going to help in the cafeteria for lunch today! Whew! Lots to look forward too.
On the way to school I prayed, as we have been doing. As we pulled into the car rider line, I told her to unbuckle and get ready to get out because other cars would be waiting. We pulled up, we kissed and hugged and said I love you. She opened the door and started out and then just as quickly started BAWLING and crawled back in. I couldn’t even understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard. I am already almost in tears because she wants to get out by herself. . . then comes a teacher to help her get out. I tell the teacher that I will drive back around and walk her in. “Are you sure?” she asks me. Not really, but what choice do I have at this very moment. By this time Addison is pretty hysterical and is trying to say something and I cannot even understand her. I am getting stressed because she is crying, I have no clue what she is saying and she is getting ready to be late! We pull back into the car rider line and I ask her what she wants to do. “Addison, honey, do you want to go in by yourself or do you want mommy to go with you to your class?” Addison: sniff, sniff “I want to go in by myself. I want to pray.” And through her tears and barely mumbled audible words I hear, “God, please help me to be brave and to have a good day and not a bad day. In Jesus’ name amen.”
Okay, I was really fighting the tears then. Actually, I started to cry (but had on sunglasses). I told Addison how proud I was of her asking God to help her be brave and reminded her once again that she needed to get ready to get out of the car. “Never-mind mom. I want you to go in with me.” I whip into a parking place and pull everyone from the car so we don’t get in there late. We walk briskly to the classroom and then her tears begin again. Lots of them. I kissed her and literally hand her over to Mrs. Moss who whisks her inside the room talking to her about going to the library. I walk with Ava Jane to the car and leave. As I am leaving, I see Mary Day Reynolds, the assistant principal, waiting outside for any lingering children. I pull up and roll down the window to ask her what I should do if Addison does this same thing next Tuesday. And then it happened. Tears, lots of tears. Flowing freely as I am talking to the asst. principal. Nice. I’m making a great impression. For crying out loud it is the last day of the first full week of school. . . why am I crying now? (I’m just guessing that is what she was thinking.) She was so sweet and gracious as I apologized for crying and told her I just needed to know how to handle this. . .
I cried, no, I bawled all the way home.
This is Ava Jane in the backseat, “Mom, why are you crying.”
Me: sniff, sniff, sob, sob, sob
Ava Jane: “MOM! WHY ARE YOU CRYING? TELL ME WHY YOU ARE CRYING!”
Me: sob, sob, sob, sniff, sniff “I’ll tell you why when I can stop crying.”
So, here I am at home. . . I called Rick (crying of course) and now I am trying to get it together. I have prayed that Addison IS having a good day. And thanked God for her over and over. And here is the biggest thing I have realized as I have been sitting her writing and processing this morning. My heart hurts for Addison that she is scared. I hurt for her because I KNOW how she feels. I remember the exact feelings of fear that I had as a little girl when I wasn’t sure what to expect or when I was on my own. It was a yucky sick feeling. So, I can truly say that I feel her pain. And then it hit me that all those times when we try to comfort others by telling them that God understands their pain because he has experienced it himself. . . it really is true. I just had another head to heart experience. What I have known about God in my head has just found it’s way to my heart. If God hurts for me when I am hurting like I am hurting for Addison right now. . . WOW! I have always just said those words, but never really realized the TRUTH in them. . . but now I have experienced it myself. . . and it is powerful. Again, God amazes me at the things he can teach us through the most ordinary everyday experiences. We just have to be listening for Him. I hope that you are listening today. What he wants to tell you might blow you away!! Just like it did me!