Tears

Okay. . . it is late at night and I have been crying for a while now. Crying over a movie, no doubt. But if you are a girl, you will surely understand that when you watch a movie that evokes the emotions that bring about tears, they start streaming for many more reasons than just from the movie you are watching. Make sense? First let me say that I have had a pretty unproductive day when I really needed to get something done. After all, we are moving this weekend and I only have four boxes packed – and they are just filled with books and movies. But I watched a friend’s kiddos for a short bit this morning. . . then managed to clean off the kitchen table and the kids art table. . . followed by some errands and a short swim for the kids at the pool. . . then a shower and out for my monthly dinner with some friends. . . then to Lowe’s. . . and home by 8:45 to find Rick getting ready for bed and me wide awake! With mounds of laundry to fold, dishes in the sink and oodles of boxes to be packed, I decided to watch a movie!

What a great plan! My friend, Holly P. saw me at church yesterday and asked if I had seen the movie, “P.S. I Love You.” She said I could borrow it. Now, obviously I have no business watching movies this week. Heck, I don’t watch movies during weeks when my life isn’t going 90 to nothing. But I sat down to watch it anyway. It is the most wonderful movie. I love movies that make you laugh and cry and give you something to think about. If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to rent it. . . and don’t watch with your husband. I was sort of doing the heaving, sobbing, ugly face cry at times. I really needed to cry, I think. But what happened, as it always does, is that I started thinking of all the other things that make me want to cry right now.

What came to mind is Addison going to Kindergarten. Sarah is probably ready to shoot me for bringing it up again. . . but I am tearful about it. . . very tearful tonight. You see, most of my friends, like Sarah, with a child going to kindergarten have children that are SO EXCITED about starting school. But Addison is not. And it makes me sad. Today we drove down a road near her school when she exclaimed in a rather hateful tone of voice, that she did not like her new school and did not want to go there. She wasn’t going to kindergarten. I was ready to burst into tears then. Why? Well, because I hate the thought that she is so much like me and doesn’t do so well with change. Okay. . . I am practically squalling as I write this just having to think about it. I want her to love school and I really think that she will, once she gets in there and gets her feet wet. But I don’t want her to be sad and fearful and full of anxiety. I can vividly remember the anxious feelings I used to get when things would change for me. And I hate it for her, that she has a hard time transitioning. She is just like her mommy.

I can so vividly remember going away to college. I was so ready and so excited, and so scared and so sad. My best friend, Kim, went with my family to take me to UT. We spent the weekend getting me all moved in my dorm room and on Sunday morning we had breakfast at Shoney’s. I remember feeling sick b/c I knew when breakfast was over it would be time to say goodbye. I remember all the hugs from everyone and then came my mom. I couldn’t let go of her. . . I didn’t want to. . . suddenly I didn’t want to stay there. . . and I had that sick feeling like on the first day of kindergarten. And I know EXACTLY how Addison feels. . . she doesn’t want me to let go of her. She wants to stay with me where it is safe and where she knows what to expect. . . but I have to let her go. And my mom hugged me tight and told me she loved me and walked out of my dorm room. And I cried a lot that day. I cried a lot that first semester. . . but guess what? I LOVED college! And it was a great growing experience.

I know that my baby will grow so much this year. . . in many ways. And I guess it is better to get all my crazy mommy tears out now rather then when she is leached onto me and I have to pry her off of me to get into her classroom. I hope the kids don’t make fun of her. That would rip my heart into a million pieces. And I hope my school has a “boo hoo room” for mommies. I have a feeling I will need to stop in for a kleenex. So, will you please pray for my sweet Addison. Pray that she will be excited about school and excited about her teacher. And pray that she will not be anxious. And pray that she doesn’t completely meltdown when I have to leave her there. I pray that I can post about that in a couple of weeks with great news! And you may want to pray that I don’t meltdown when she leaves me. . . cause you know, my life is getting ready to CHANGE and I don’t always handle that real well. . . the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, now does it?!

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9 Responses to “Tears”

  1. Jennifer Says:

    Okay, I feel a little responsible. Holly had lent that movie to me and I had the same experience. Tears. Lots of them! Anyway, the only reason she had it Sunday morning was because that’s when I returned it to her. Sorry about the timing. She actually sat it down in front of the seat in front of her during worship underneath this stocky, bald guy. Her hubby (not knowing I had just returned it to her) looked down, turned our way and said, “Man, that guy must be really sensitive!” It was so funny. Anywho, sorry again for the timing and I know where you are. Because of needing early intervention and therapy, we went through this with Gavin at 3 years old last year. Tough times for him. Tough times for mommy, for sure. I’ll be praying for peace in transitions for Addison and a complete trust in the Lord for you. Glad you got some of that out, though. You’re right, sometimes we just need to cry.

  2. Amy Lafayette Says:

    Jennifer – You are too funny. I won’t hold you responsible. I loved the movie and I did need a good cry. Of course this morning I have a screaming headache! 🙂 But I also have a clearer vision and can think better – late night I’m always a little nuttier anyway. Thanks for praying. We will need it.

  3. Susan Says:

    Oh Amy, I am crying as I read this because this is the exact way I felt about Avery going to Kindergarten. And Avery was so much like Addison when he started Kindergarten. I will be praying for sweet Addison and you. Praying that she gets a kindergarten teacher who will just love on her and that these first few weeks of school will be good ones.
    Avery was hesitant about kindergarten and I had dreams about having to drag him in kicking and screaming (we had past experiences in Mothers Day Out where this had happened). When we took him to meet his teacher that day before they actually start school, he stood at the classroom door and his sweet teacher came over and just hugged him tight- it was the first time he had met her, she grabbed his hand to show him the room and he was sold after that!!
    It was an answer to many, many prayers. I know the Lord is going to have His arm around you all as you walk in to this new experience.

  4. Ashley Says:

    Oh man, I can feel that pit in my stomach just reading your post. I’ll be praying for you and Addison. Looking forward to hearing a good report!

  5. Julie Shaver Says:

    Though I haven’t sent a little one to school yet, I can relate to the not liking change part! I totally know that sick feeling you described. But Addison is going to do great! Maybe you could secretly talk to her teacher ahead of time and prepare her for Addison’s apprehension. Owen had trouble going back to MDO this spring/summer, but having a teacher who adores him has totally helped. Now he runs into his classroom without looking back. 🙂

  6. susan j Says:

    So, Anna has not been very excited either and sadly enough, I HAVE been really excited about school…until it started yesterday. We have a graduated start and so day 1 was a meet and greet and playgound party with Mom. As we were doing a little art project about how she feels about going to school, she replied with, “today happy, tomorrow sad.” Broke my heart. However, today she went back and did great – barely a tear. Addison will be fine and you will too, eventually. Ship them to me for a few days and get some stuff done. Thinking about you and praying for you.

  7. Sarah Underhill Says:

    Oh sweet Amy… And look, I read the whole thing – even after the word KINDERGARTEN!!! I will pray. I think that’s the best thing we can do. And, really, it’s symbolic of the fact that as they start school there is so much LESS that we can do but pray for them! Every year it will get more and more true. Middle school, high school, dates, friends’ houses. I’m just learning that in general. My Mommy on top of everything time is changing. It’s a good thing we release them a little bit at a time though, you know? Kindergarten is shorter days with lots of Mommy participation, 1st grade – longer days with still Mommy participation, and it tapers. Kind of. Right? Anyway… randomness. Just know I am really really praying for you and Addison and her teacher and THAT friend in her class. LOVE YOU!!! And, I’m glad we’re all writing about it. Makes me feel more normal. And, I will not be watching that movie within the next month… I will avoid Holly at church.

  8. Karen Robinson & Dad Says:

    OK, I haven’t seen the movie, but your article above made me cry. I am and will be praying for sweet Addison and for you, her Mom, with a tender heart. I pray God will be very real and even at this early age for Addison that she will know God’s presence with her in changing and challenging circumstances. Love, karen

  9. Sharon Kyle Says:

    I was reading Rachel’s blog and it took me to you today. While running/walking with Leslie, she keeps me up to date on you and your new house. I’m so excited for you, and through all of Leslie’s stories and the time I’ve been able to spend with you I know how very special you are, and what a great mother you are, as well.

    I know Addison has to go to school, but isn’t great that she loves you and the life you provide, and doesn’t need something else. Now don’t get me wrong, I know school is were she needs to be and she will do great. It’s a very special time for each of you and her sister.

    Maybe if you make a special place for her to display the work from school. Or if you have a special time of sharing her day with you and her sister after school, that it will give her something to look forward too. I’ll be praying for each of you.

    Love ya,
    Sharon

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